2019.... I've been waiting for you. I avoided you.
You held the hope of a new time, a time where there had to be less stress, less strain, more balance. Let's just get through 2018 and start again, I said.
I avoided you because I felt that my wishing time away was wasteful, unappreciative, foolish. Let's just appreciate the here and now, I said. I don't know the meaning of difficulties, I said. I'm surrounded by blessings, I'm so lucky, I said. So, 2018 I flip flopped between trying to grip onto the fullness of you, and craving a lighter, future heart. The war began.
2018, you brought me joy, grief, challenge, growth, ambition, stress, worry, anxiety, heartache. I started a business, I appreciated the reality and potential of my new dream home, I held firm and facilitated core changes in my charity day job, I felt the burden of responsibility to parent well and raise a happy soul. I lost a grandparent, my family had challenges of heart and body, my marriage needed attention, I suffered with stress, my heart played up on me and my body felt vulnerable. I felt strong and I felt weak. I felt the fragility of life, it seeped into my confidence and I began to see injury and death at every corner.
A big part of this was the result of bereavement. Although my Poppa was elderly, he was in good health and he died as a result of a car accident which came with trauma for him and my family who witnessed it. Death can hit you in strange ways at strange times, I know.
I've lost three grandparents before him, one as a child, one as a teen, and two as an older person. I don't know if it's the way he dies, my age, the fact he was the last grandparent, or none of these things.
This time I was awestruck as how his children (my father included) dealt with it. So strong and brave.
I was upset of course. What I didn't expect was the backround impact.
I suddenly felt frequent anxiety about death. When I got in my car I felt I knew I was going to crash. When my daughter ate something large she was going to choke. Something terrible was going to happen to someone else I loved.
I saw Death in everything - sometimes it skirted briefly across my mind... The wardrobe is going to fall on me tonight because we haven't fixed it to the wall, ooh I forgot to set my alarm, have I got clean pants for tomorrow?
Sometimes it was stronger and I had to intervene... Babe, can you turn the tumble dryer off before you head up because it could catch fire when we're sleeping.
The night's were the worst.
One night I was trying to sleep and was struggling to breathe. I'd had a chest infection for weeks. I'd already looked at the symptoms of pneumonia. The air was coming in but it wasn't filling my lungs. I sat up and swung my legs over the edge of the bed. My heart exploded, hammering. I shook all over, adrenaline racing through me. I woke up my husband. I think I'm having an asthma attack, I said. I vomited. He gave me his pump. No difference. I tried to focus on my breathing as he called 111. In, in, in... out, out, out... in, in , in.... out, out, out.....
They tried to establish if I was having a heart attack. No, I didn't have tingling or numbness. They asked me if I needed an ambulance. I didn't know. I didn't want to bother an ambulance. A kid might need it. We said no and hung up. I didn't want an ambulance but I felt like something bad was going to happen. I want to go to A&E, just in case. We dragged our daughter out of bed and headed down. They ran obs. My heart rate was Tachycardic, my blood pressure through the roof. They rushed me to resus and 5 medics surrounded me. They spoke calming words and gave me something in a drip. They took an EKG. They made me blow in a syringe and threw my head over my legs (Hilarious treatment of a suspect SVT). A night of tests, X-ray, and some meds to chill me out. A few hours later my vitals were getting to good levels. They ruled out heart attack and SVT. X-ray was clear and EKG was good. Was it a panic attack I asked them. Possibly they say, but the pulse on admittance was higher than one would expect for a panic attack. My heart rate seems to be a little erratic. The morning they discharge me to the GP to request a heart monitor. Over the coming days, the shaking and jittery feelings continue. I vomit a few times. A few nights later, repeat the story in A&E. I'm discharged again awaiting the appointment with the GP. A few weeks later I have a heart monitor on for a week. I've convinced myself it was a panic attack. I also think something is wrong with me inside.
You made me timid 2018. You made me scared.
I was overwhelmed. I felt empathy for others difficulties even deeper and that rubbed me thinner. I marvelled at the strength of humankind and I felt ashamed for my weakness. I tried to make sense of it all and sought to be determined, brave, and humble.
The rub continued, though the pressure was lessening, the holes were there.
I'm put on tablets whilst we await results.
Things seem to calm down.
When the fog of stress lifted, I hardened up and the walls came up to keep me strong. There was no space for anyone else now. There wasn't space for anything. My brain was like a shredding bin that had been filled beyond capacity and now the tray was stuck so you couldn't empty it. I switched it off at the mains and pushed it against the wall to keep the door closed.
Enter Zombie mode. My lips made words, my hands did things, my feet moved. I achieved some things. I failed some things. I was crammed full of undisposed papers.
2019, I've was waiting for you, I tried not to want you. You came.
The blissful bubble of Christmas was everything I hoped for. Life felt right and good and I counted my many blessings. We started out good you and I, 2019. I recharged a little. My walls shrank a bit.
Back to work, and the burdens rained down. The ambitious parts of me enjoyed the challenges. The routines and demands of life carried on. I leant on my resilience to keep me strong and found it lacking. The shredder hadn't been emptied and it buckled. The tangled innards weighed on my spirit and self-doubt flooded me - can't I handle anything anymore? I have always doubted many things about myself, as an introverted reflector, I lacked confidence in many things, but strangely I've always felt mentally strong. Insecure, a worrier, anxious and sensitive yes, but when push came to shove I believed I would find a way through any difficulty, my stubbornness wouldn't let it believe otherwise. The panic button was there - I could press in case of emergency, the survival bunker would open and I'd be okay.
Turns out the bunker's been flooded and the tinned beans got dented and mould got in.
2019, my brain won't stop. The papers piled on top of the dusty shredder. The war rages on. The Zombie life is real.
A small selection of things I've googled in 2019:
I'm bloody exhausted and desperately trying to take my brain for a shit.
In the meantime, I'm waiting for the results of my heart tests (I'm sure they are gonna be fine, and I'm worried they are not). I need to manage my health anxiety and that means being proactive about my concerns [read: not avoid the Doctor's if it's needed] and stepping away from Google. I have experienced another bereavement this weekend, a member of my team. I'm processing that as best I can in my zombie mode.
I'm not the head-in-sand kind of person, when things don't feel right, when I feel unresolved I make decisions. The trouble is that I don't know what the issue is. Something's off. I'm depleted and feel a tugging. Something good and meaningful on the horizon. Life is hard, its challenging and sorrowful. It cuts you deep and leaves scars. It's also beautiful and miraculous, a blessing that I want to embrace.
A change is needed, I just don't know what. What am I looking for? I have so much already. I know much of it I take for granted.
Instead do I need to just keep clearing my head, self-caring, let this questioning unsettling period pass, and keep rolling with the punches?
I'm trying to calm my mind. Like the Eagles say, you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.
You held the hope of a new time, a time where there had to be less stress, less strain, more balance. Let's just get through 2018 and start again, I said.
I avoided you because I felt that my wishing time away was wasteful, unappreciative, foolish. Let's just appreciate the here and now, I said. I don't know the meaning of difficulties, I said. I'm surrounded by blessings, I'm so lucky, I said. So, 2018 I flip flopped between trying to grip onto the fullness of you, and craving a lighter, future heart. The war began.
2018, you brought me joy, grief, challenge, growth, ambition, stress, worry, anxiety, heartache. I started a business, I appreciated the reality and potential of my new dream home, I held firm and facilitated core changes in my charity day job, I felt the burden of responsibility to parent well and raise a happy soul. I lost a grandparent, my family had challenges of heart and body, my marriage needed attention, I suffered with stress, my heart played up on me and my body felt vulnerable. I felt strong and I felt weak. I felt the fragility of life, it seeped into my confidence and I began to see injury and death at every corner.
She's doing just fine
A big part of this was the result of bereavement. Although my Poppa was elderly, he was in good health and he died as a result of a car accident which came with trauma for him and my family who witnessed it. Death can hit you in strange ways at strange times, I know.
I've lost three grandparents before him, one as a child, one as a teen, and two as an older person. I don't know if it's the way he dies, my age, the fact he was the last grandparent, or none of these things.
This time I was awestruck as how his children (my father included) dealt with it. So strong and brave.
I was upset of course. What I didn't expect was the backround impact.
I suddenly felt frequent anxiety about death. When I got in my car I felt I knew I was going to crash. When my daughter ate something large she was going to choke. Something terrible was going to happen to someone else I loved.
I saw Death in everything - sometimes it skirted briefly across my mind... The wardrobe is going to fall on me tonight because we haven't fixed it to the wall, ooh I forgot to set my alarm, have I got clean pants for tomorrow?
Sometimes it was stronger and I had to intervene... Babe, can you turn the tumble dryer off before you head up because it could catch fire when we're sleeping.
The night's were the worst.
One night I was trying to sleep and was struggling to breathe. I'd had a chest infection for weeks. I'd already looked at the symptoms of pneumonia. The air was coming in but it wasn't filling my lungs. I sat up and swung my legs over the edge of the bed. My heart exploded, hammering. I shook all over, adrenaline racing through me. I woke up my husband. I think I'm having an asthma attack, I said. I vomited. He gave me his pump. No difference. I tried to focus on my breathing as he called 111. In, in, in... out, out, out... in, in , in.... out, out, out.....
They tried to establish if I was having a heart attack. No, I didn't have tingling or numbness. They asked me if I needed an ambulance. I didn't know. I didn't want to bother an ambulance. A kid might need it. We said no and hung up. I didn't want an ambulance but I felt like something bad was going to happen. I want to go to A&E, just in case. We dragged our daughter out of bed and headed down. They ran obs. My heart rate was Tachycardic, my blood pressure through the roof. They rushed me to resus and 5 medics surrounded me. They spoke calming words and gave me something in a drip. They took an EKG. They made me blow in a syringe and threw my head over my legs (Hilarious treatment of a suspect SVT). A night of tests, X-ray, and some meds to chill me out. A few hours later my vitals were getting to good levels. They ruled out heart attack and SVT. X-ray was clear and EKG was good. Was it a panic attack I asked them. Possibly they say, but the pulse on admittance was higher than one would expect for a panic attack. My heart rate seems to be a little erratic. The morning they discharge me to the GP to request a heart monitor. Over the coming days, the shaking and jittery feelings continue. I vomit a few times. A few nights later, repeat the story in A&E. I'm discharged again awaiting the appointment with the GP. A few weeks later I have a heart monitor on for a week. I've convinced myself it was a panic attack. I also think something is wrong with me inside.
You made me timid 2018. You made me scared.
I was overwhelmed. I felt empathy for others difficulties even deeper and that rubbed me thinner. I marvelled at the strength of humankind and I felt ashamed for my weakness. I tried to make sense of it all and sought to be determined, brave, and humble.
The rub continued, though the pressure was lessening, the holes were there.
I'm put on tablets whilst we await results.
Things seem to calm down.
When the fog of stress lifted, I hardened up and the walls came up to keep me strong. There was no space for anyone else now. There wasn't space for anything. My brain was like a shredding bin that had been filled beyond capacity and now the tray was stuck so you couldn't empty it. I switched it off at the mains and pushed it against the wall to keep the door closed.
Enter Zombie mode. My lips made words, my hands did things, my feet moved. I achieved some things. I failed some things. I was crammed full of undisposed papers.
2019, I've was waiting for you, I tried not to want you. You came.
The blissful bubble of Christmas was everything I hoped for. Life felt right and good and I counted my many blessings. We started out good you and I, 2019. I recharged a little. My walls shrank a bit.
Back to work, and the burdens rained down. The ambitious parts of me enjoyed the challenges. The routines and demands of life carried on. I leant on my resilience to keep me strong and found it lacking. The shredder hadn't been emptied and it buckled. The tangled innards weighed on my spirit and self-doubt flooded me - can't I handle anything anymore? I have always doubted many things about myself, as an introverted reflector, I lacked confidence in many things, but strangely I've always felt mentally strong. Insecure, a worrier, anxious and sensitive yes, but when push came to shove I believed I would find a way through any difficulty, my stubbornness wouldn't let it believe otherwise. The panic button was there - I could press in case of emergency, the survival bunker would open and I'd be okay.
Turns out the bunker's been flooded and the tinned beans got dented and mould got in.
2019, my brain won't stop. The papers piled on top of the dusty shredder. The war rages on. The Zombie life is real.
- How to discipline a 3 year old
- Anxiety
- Overpaying mortgage
- Cost of building an extension
- Colon Cancer
- Womb Cancer
- Perimenopause
- Arterial Fibrillation
- Haemorrhoids
- How to ice skate
- Inspiring TED talks
- Personality Tests
- How to be more organised
- Marie Kondo shoe storage method
- How to meditate
- What to do if you forget to take Bisoprolol
- Insomnia
- Gemma Collins
- Slapped Cheek
- Luxury Campervan
- Peter Andre
- Soup Maker Recipes
Marie Kondo got in my brain
In the meantime, I'm waiting for the results of my heart tests (I'm sure they are gonna be fine, and I'm worried they are not). I need to manage my health anxiety and that means being proactive about my concerns [read: not avoid the Doctor's if it's needed] and stepping away from Google. I have experienced another bereavement this weekend, a member of my team. I'm processing that as best I can in my zombie mode.
I'm not the head-in-sand kind of person, when things don't feel right, when I feel unresolved I make decisions. The trouble is that I don't know what the issue is. Something's off. I'm depleted and feel a tugging. Something good and meaningful on the horizon. Life is hard, its challenging and sorrowful. It cuts you deep and leaves scars. It's also beautiful and miraculous, a blessing that I want to embrace.
A change is needed, I just don't know what. What am I looking for? I have so much already. I know much of it I take for granted.
Instead do I need to just keep clearing my head, self-caring, let this questioning unsettling period pass, and keep rolling with the punches?
Act the way you want to feel
I'm trying to calm my mind. Like the Eagles say, you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.
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